“You’re a crack whore” and other American pick up lines

I got there in the end. Worth it.

When I woke up this morning I had a plan. It was a good one. Train in to the city, go on a bike tour out to the Golden Gate bridge, eat delicious things, come home.

Simple. Stealthy. Effective. Foolproof even.

You already know things didn’t work out that way. Instead I got a lesson in the fine art of the US pick up line. Also known as “harassing those who are being female while walking”.


The bike tour part didn’t really work out so I decided to walk to the bridge. I can hear all the locals laughing hysterically. Shh! On a map it seems deceptively easy and close. It was neither of those things.

Three hours and many detours in I was crossing the street when two men in their 20s passed me and one said “you’re really pretty“. Since I know no one in the city, I assumed one guy was telling the other a story about a girl he was pursuing, so I didn’t respond.

He took my accidental snub as a personal slight and turned around in the middle of the street to yell “YOU’RE A FUCKING CRACK WHORE” at me, while his friend burst into laughter.

Strike one.

One bad experience shouldn’t tar an entire city. Or country. Right? Exactly.

The outfit in question.

Twenty minutes later, on the notorious uphill climb that is Folsom Avenue, a man in his 60s walks past me, doubles back, grabs my shoulder, turns me around and points to my t-shirt, helpfully emblazoned with the slogan ‘Wander Lust’.

Him: That’s what I try to do! Wander Lust! You should go out with me, we can have fun times.

Me: No thanks, I’m a bit busy right now.

Him: Oh, so you’re too good for me? I’m an excellent lover.

Strike two.

Actually dude, the fact that I don’t get right up into the personal space of people that I’ve never met before just makes me a normal person. Excuse me for being slightly affronted.

But America, being the home of the brave, saves the best till last.

Standing at a corner peering at google maps, like the crack whore that I supposedly am, when a guy (late 20s or early 30s) pulls up beside me in a car.

Him: I like your sunglasses. Want to have a coffee with me?

Me: Why are you holding your phone up at me? Are you videoing me?

Him: Oh, my friend just dared me to talk to a girl so I’m videoing it for him.

Me: That’s actually really creepy. I have to go now.

I shouldn’t feel like I have to make this disclaimer at all but I was wearing the most innocuous outfit today: runners, a loose singlet top and 3/4 pants. I did not look particularly good. So these guys were either mocking me or I don’t even know what.

If this is your definition of a pick up line American dudes, you need to up your game. Severely. And I need a shower to wash off the absolute ick of this day.

American pick up lines | First day in America | San Francisco | California | Scary pick up lines | Creepy pick up lines | Aussie | Expat | Aussie Expat in US

3 thoughts on ““You’re a crack whore” and other American pick up lines

  1. You'd think you would have learned from all the proposals at the farm. You could have been a house wife to an old Italian man right now, making him soup whilst he tends his choko tree in the yard

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