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How to decide…

Do you enjoy shopping for swimming costumes (also known as swimsuits in the land of the brave and the home of the free)? Let me guess, you don’t mind trying to guess your size, considering it’s been at least four years since you embarked on such a journey to shopping hell? You’re also partial to stripping down to your unmentionables in a tiny change room?

I do not share your enthusiasm for this task. I’m guessing the last time I bought a recreational swimming costume (not to be confused with an everyday cossie, reserved specifically for swimming laps down the local pool), was 2009.

Usually I’ll stand in that dressing room and consider two things: Will this stand up to vigorous lazing on a beach and a possible wade into the ocean without any malfunctions or annoyances?

What a mistake. I’m not the type to spend an entire day on a recliner or towel, getting a sun headache. Holidays mean doing things and beach holiday antics are generally not bikini friendly. They include surf lessons where I will no doubt fail to stand on the board for more than three seconds, maybe jet skiing, snorkeling, and whatever other water-related shenanigans are on offer.

I’m braving the bikini. It’s not going to look like this, but who really cares?

This time I’m not putting myself through a day’s worth of traipsing from shop to shop, getting steadily more annoyed and cranky when nothing fits right or is made of more than a couple of pieces of string and a tiny triangle of fabric.

I’m sticking to the interwebs.

Imagine, for a second, a world where bikinis were sorted by body shape. Need a bit more forgiveness around the hip area? Visit our hiptastic section! Do your Double-D’s require more structural reinforcement? Get those puppies to the supportomatic zone! Are you proud of your stomach and legs? Strut on over to the string bikini area!

I would love that so much. Then I could mix and match tops and bottoms and I’d be done. OK fashion industry? That’s your mission between now and 2022, when I venture out to buy my next recreational cossie. Got any swimmer-purchasing tips?